Identical to humans – albeit smaller, more erratic, and with a hunger for strawberries and appetite for destruction – the child is one of the veggie garden’s greatest foes. This is, however, a foe that will one day bring the garden benefits, so some concessions need to be made. When dealing with children it’s important to strike a fine line between the damage to the current crop versus a learning experience that will benefit the future crops to come.

A child is known as a help hinderer, meaning that its offerings of help are usually to the detriment of the garden. But you need to accept that the best education is through experience, so you should learn to accept certain outcomes. Your child will one day repay your veggie patch for monopolising all the riper strawberries.

Optimal Conditions

Early afternoon, post midday nap or roughly 30 minutes after finding the cookie tin


Green strawberries and emerging flowers littered over the garden and red smudges on their shirt. No DNA testing necessary to find the perpetrator: guilty as sin!


Lock them inside with a fast streaming service


Feeding them properly so they don’t have to resort to eating fake plastic foliage.


There is no sure way of preventing a child from destroying your veggie patch. Any parent knows how erratic a child can be – one moment they’re sleeping on your shoulder like a saint, and the next they’re throwing your black Russian tomatoes to the dog

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